The Problem is You and Me.

The Problem is You and Me.

A while ago, I got myself into a conversation with a friend of mine. We are not too close, but apparently, a heart-to-heart conversation over coffee seems okay and we did just fine. Some of our topics included my love life. Which I found myself stuck in a circle, walking round and round like a donkey. Yes.

“Jadi, apa yang membuat sebuah hubungan menjadi terlalu berat untuk lo? Status lo yang single parent? Atau keterpurukkan lo di masa lalu yang entah bagaimana membuat lo susah untuk berada di masa depan?” – yes, he’s straight-forward like that.

“Mungkin dua-duanya. Yang gue cari belum gue temukan dimanapun. Gue nggak nyari yang sempurna sih emang, tapi gue mau yang tepat. Like in a story where you find the right person, and everything feels so right even when you’re in the most not righteous time.

“Coba gue tanya, berapa banyak yang ngedeketin lo? I bet there are a lot of guys who wants to be with you. Iya, nggak?”

I wouldn’t say a lot, but yeah, there are some.. I guess?” – I don’t know if it’s true. But you know, men comes and goes. I don’t know whether should I count them or not anymore.

“Ya, let’s say ada 3 cowok yang deketin lo sekarang. Terus apa yang salah dari 3 orang ini? Apa salah satu dari mereka nggak ada yang cukup buat lo?”

“Cukup? No. There are no sparkles, there are no chemistry. I don’t wanna be in a wrong relationship with a wrong guy at the wrong time and wrong place. I have no time to be wrong.

“Mungkin itu masalahnya. Lo terlalu takut untuk salah lagi. Padahal ada waktunya lo akan salah. Atau mungkin lo malah akan menemukan kebenaran di kesalahan mendatang yang akan terjadi sama lo. You simply will never know if you never try. Lo mungkin salah, tapi mungkin juga lo bener. Siapa yang tahu?” – I was silently stares at nothing when he said this. And he continued..

Whatever happened in the past, it should stays in the past. How could you ever move on if you keeps running in an endless circle?  No one knows what will happen in the next five minutes. Let the past go. Let yourself go. Coba deh pikir. I personally thinks that you are beautiful, smart, intelligently sexy, mature enough for your age, caring and fun. Though you are childish, but you do know how to put yourself in different conditions. And that’s good. I didn’t say that you aren’t stubborn, because you are. But who doesn’t?” – I was still silently stares at nothing here.

“Gini deh, gue udah denger semua macem lelaki deketin lo. Dari yang single, yang udah punya pacar, yang udah nikah sampe duda 40-an tahun. Apa yang salah dari lo? Nggak ada. Selain lo yang kelamaan berlarut-larut di masa lalu dan nahan diri lo untuk nggak maju-maju. Guys are queue themselves for you. Dan lo masih aja mempertanyakan kenapa lo single sampe setaun begini? The question has always been for you, not for me nor guys out there.

“Tapi kan..” – he didn’t let me finish my sentences.

“Tapi kan lo harus milih yang terbaik dari yang baik? Tapi kan lo nyari yang tepat? Tapi kan lo nggak ada chemistry? Tapi kan lo nggak nyaman? Tapi kan sebenernya, lo nggak mau nyoba. Iya kan?” – that jleb moment.

Okay, let me put things straight for you. Like I’ve been doing since our convo got serious. The problem is you. The main reason why you’re still single is you. The answer to your problem is in you. The question you’ve been asking, it goes right to you. It’s always you. Now stop asking why and have some fun! I mean it! I’ve been roaming around your blog for quite a while now, and it seems like you over thinking stuffs. Just stop thinking, start doing.

Just stop freaking talking. Here’s the thing. I always fall at the wrong time. Only God knows why. Setiap lelaki yang sukses merajah hati gue adalah mereka-mereka yang ‘terlarang’. Mereka yang belum move on, mereka yang punya segudang kegiatan, mereka yang arogan untuk punya wanita di sisi mereka, mereka yang punya pasangan dan mereka-mereka lain yang nggak seharusnya gue suka apalagi sayang. And get this noted, I never ever flirted with them. I’m just being me. It’s not even my fault. And they approached me, and I fell. That’s, the scenario I’ve been doing over and over and over again.

“Jadi, ya, masalahnya memang ada di gue. Tapi bukan berarti semua masalahnya ada di gue. Mungkin juga masalahnya ada di lelaki-lelaki yang deketin gue. Kenapa deketin gue dan suka sama gue kalo udah tau mereka harusnya nggak begitu? Atau masalahnya mungkin juga ada di Tuhan yang terlalu sibuk bermain-main dengan gue dan hidup gue. Dan, ya. Gue sedang mempersalahkan Tuhan. Because I’m freaking tired. Dia sesuka hati jadiin hidup gue semacam permainan yang awalnya dari keisengan tapi kemudian Dia lanjutkan karena ternyata seru juga ya main-main sama hidup remaja single parent yang pusing dengan segala keribetan dalam hidupnya. Ternyata enak ya mainin hidup perempuan single parent 19 tahun yang lagi sibuk-sibuknya sama anak, kerja, kuliah, kerja sampingan, urusan rumah tangga dan segala tetek bengek lainnya. So, He decided to play with me. Like I’m a freaking doll. Jadi kalau Tuhan kita sama, bisa tolong suruh dia berhenti mainin hidup gue?”

And that when he goes silent.

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