I Miss You

I Miss You

I’ve never felt like this before. When missing someone feels like you’re losing half of your soul. He’s been everything to me since he was born. My reason to carry on, to stay strong, to love with no expectations. I miss him badly. I miss him with every single cell in my body. I miss him, I cried myself out in my sleep.

I’ve been a very very bad mother. And he’s been nothing but understanding. I’m a reckless and careless mother. I’m nothing but bad for him. To be anywhere near him, will kill him bit by bit. Though since day one we’ve separated, all I want has been nothing but to hold him tight, so tight, and tell him that I’m sorry. For being so bad on doing this parenting. For being not enough to be both mommy and daddy for him.

I don’t even know whether he asked about me or not. Whether he noticed that I’m leaving. Whether he miss me or not. But I miss him too badly, I cried myself every single day and night.

This Too, Shall Pass

This Too, Shall Pass

No matter how hard, challenging and sad the life has been treating you, believe me that you’ll look back at those moments with smile on your face. Because eventually, the storm has an ending. Because even though you’ll never know when will it end, it will. Because Allah never tested beyond our boundaries.

No matter how many times you’ve cried yourself to sleep, how many sleepless nights you’ve been through, believe me that you’ll remember less of that and more of happy memories. Life has it ups and downs. Those will be moments to let you learn from your mistakes.

No matter how many times you thought you won’t make it, believe me that you will. Because life is more than what you think it is. Because you are stronger than this and you can make it. Because this too shall pass.

Put your smile on and heads up. This too, shall pass.

PS.  : To my dearest bestie, Irvin Rizky Christsindy.

Adios

Adios

I wish I could dried my tears out. But you left me nothing. All I know that I’ve never felt such a disgust, hatred, sickness toward someone. If there’s a stronger word than hatred, I’d send it directly to you. For someone who knows just a tip of an ice, you sure assume and talk a lot. You said I hurt you so badly, you said all the anger I’ve been feeling was just to cover my mistakes, and all you did was just to make me happy.

You sure are a bad comedian. I smirked at your jokes. What? That wasn’t a joke? Then, I don’t know what that was. I’m too lazy to figure it out.

Sudah terlalu lama saya lupa cara membenci orang. Sekian hari dan dengan suksesnya kamu ingatkan lagi bagaimana caranya. Tidak ada sedikitpun rasa iba saya untuk semua air mata yang repot kamu tumpahkan sejak kemarin. Dada saya sakit bukan karena menahan perih. Akhirnya dada saya sakit karena menahan begitu banyak sumpah serapah. Luka kamu bilang hati kamu karena saya? Cih. Harusnya saya tanamkan lebih dalam sayatannya. Itu tidak sebanding dengan semua pikiran buruk, asumsi dan kata-kata belati kamu untuk saya. Untuk hal yang bahkan saya tahu betul kalau saya benar, masih pun kamu persalahkan saya. Berkali-kali saya bilang percuma, masih pun kamu memohon dan berharap. Bahkan hingga kata-kata selamat tinggal dan cacian kamu untuk saya, masih pun berdering ponsel saya karena pesan singkat dari kamu. Untuk seseorang dengan umur jauh lebih tua, tingkat kedewasaan kamu setingkat dengan anak saya yang baru 4 tahun.

Saya bosan dengan drama. Seumur hidup saya penuh drama. Saya pikir dengan kamu, hidup saya akan lebih stabil secara emosional. Tapi kamu datang, membawa drama yang bahkan penulis skenario Tersanjung pun malu hati disejajarkan dengan kamu. Saya pikir saya sudah lelah mencari yang saya inginkan, maka Tuhan kirimkan yang saya butuhkan. Tapi ternyata kamu tak lebih dari bumbu penyedap penuh MSG. Tidak baik untuk dikonsumsi, apalagi banyak-banyak dan sering-sering. Jadi terima kasih. Kamu buka mata saya.

Bye.

Girl in The Mirror

Girl in The Mirror

I don’t know what’s worse. Being unable to control between what you want and what you should do or, being someone that you hate the most yet you enjoy being that someone.

I’ve been looking to that person in the mirror for my whole life, and she’s not being herself the last several years. Or maybe, just maybe, she’s actually revealing her true colors. It’s the irony that keeps slapping me in the face, the irony that keeps telling me to get back on my feet. Because I’m starting to hate that person I’m seeing. I’m starting to see why everybody hates how she turns herself to be.

She’s fun. She sure knows how to have fun. But she can’t bare the emptiness. She can’t bare the void. The silence in her own little world, killing her every single cell in her mind one by one. And there’s nothing worst than that because she’s begging for more.

The Thin, Invisible Line

The Thin, Invisible Line

He said he loves you. He crawls into you. He practically begging you. He just can’t help himself.

And it’s not like you only stand there watching him. You love him as well. Might be a little bit more than he does. But you want to see him suffer. For every drop of tears he caused, you let him crawl and beg and try to get you back. Only for your own satisfaction. Because somehow, that is a sweet, oh damn sweet revenge.

And there goes your forgiveness. You let him waltz into your life, and give him just a right amount of another chance. You never said that this is his last chance though. Because deep down in your heart, you got that voice of yours locked in a cage, saying, “This will happen again, and I will forgive you again”.

Isn’t it sad? To be in love and to be considerate of your loved one’s bad behavior? But in your defense, that is just how love truly is. Or shall I say, that is just how stupidity really is?

That One Lucky Bitch

That One Lucky Bitch

That one lucky bitch got herself the prince charming she’s been craving for years. The one who makes her laugh the purest, smile the brightest and live the happiest. The one who has the most warmest hugs and sweetest kisses. The one whose she’s willing to fight for. The one that successfully stole every bit of whatever’s left from her.

That one lucky bitch finally found someone worth the miles. She’s finally putting an end to her endless journey of Finding Mr. Right. Because now, that one lucky bitch got herself a one big Mr. So Damn Fucking Right.

PS : I love you.

Denial Pessimistic

Denial Pessimistic

Karena belum tidur semalaman, saya menghabiskan fajar dengan termenung setelah iseng scrolling followers di instagram dan menemukan beberapa mantan saya. Beberapa dari mereka sudah menikah. Beberapa lagi sedang mempersiapkan acara pernikahan mereka. Bukan iri, faktanya saya dengan tulus ikut berbahagia untuk mereka. Hanya agak sedikit membuat saya berpikir bahwa sesungguhnya saya pernah mendapatkan kesempatan untuk bisa menjadi their “the one”. Jadi apa yang saya lewatkan?

Bahwa faktanya saya trauma akan hubungan itu sendiri. Bahwa faktanya saya mungkin yang melewatkan mereka, bukan sebaliknya. Bahwa saya terlalu terlena dengan kesendirian yang akan sedikit berlebihan saya sebut, fana. Bahwa faktanya jauh dalam hati, saya tak tertarik menghabiskan sisa hidup saya dalam pernikahan. Dalam cinta (atau apapun itu), yang mengikat sehidup semati. Saya merasa sudah kehilangan esensi dari  cinta (lagi-lagi, atau apapun itu). Itu hanya ucapan. Something “deeper” someone said just to get into their pants.

Saya tidak mengais sebuah pernikahan. Atau seorang jodoh. Saya percaya bahwa sesuatu yang sudah ditakdirkan menjadi milik kita, pada akhirnya, dengan cara seperti apapun, tetap akan berakhir di kita. Tapi saya tidak atau mungkin belum menginginkan pernikahan. Saya hanya ingin bahagia, bekerja di bidang yang saya sukai, menikmati hidup dan membahagiakan orang-orang di sekitar saya. Bagi saya, hidup lebih dari sekedar dengan siapa kita akan menikah nanti. Hidup bukan cuma tentang cinta melulu.

Or am I just being a denial-pessimistic?