Moving To The New House

Moving To The New House

Being constantly hopping from one guy to another from time to time, I think I need to stop and take sometime off the dating zone. The decision wasn’t made overnight, I actually think thoroughly about this. Because it will be a big step for me. It has never been easy for me being alone with myself. There’s this weirdly realistic fear that I keep pushing to the back door of my mind. For I love to have some times for myself, I actually hate the loneliness. I hate having no one to talk to.

Back in the uglier days, my family is totally uncountable for being a sharing partners, let alone a support group. But now things are getting brighter. I texted my Mother everyday, since now we live separately. Our relationship start to feel like old times and I like it. Things are great too with my sister and brother-in-law. The down part is just that because of this new job, I have to live in a different city with my son. And he started acting out because he feels left out by me. That actually the one thing that bugged me everyday. I constantly asking myself whether this is a good decision or not. But the future needs stability and this job does that and it keeps me sane and on track, too. Although it made me feel like I’m being Worst Mom of The Year. But there will always be sacrifices in every decision. I risked being the worst now if I could assured myself that my baby boy’s future is taken care of. In the end I should start relying on nobody but myself for the sake of both me and my son.

Anyway, back to the dating topic. I have this deep thought about myself from a very long time ago. But I think I was being too scared to face the real problem that I kept on making diversion and buried what was supposed to be handled years ago. According to this little research I did about myself, which actually I already knew this years ago, I have daddy issues. I keep on finding male figure in my life because as a child I didn’t have the attention and love I needed from my Father (Oh bless his soul in Heaven, Dear Lord). That was the easy part, to locate the first issue. But since there’s no highway to heaven, here comes the hard part. What should I do to fix my obviously (d’uh?) broken soul? Yup. The answer to that got me in a lot of trials and errors, until now.

I have tried so many ways, believe me, I have had plenty of ways you could never even imagined let alone hear. This topic might sounded a bit too much for other people, but I tracked down my life history and this motherfucken problem of freaking daddy issue is the smiling devil rooted in me. My whole life as I started to remember moments and feelings from my childhood, I always had this feeling of void that need something more than just a parade of different guys in my life. Either I fix it or I fill it. Technically speaking, I could always patch a void in my tire when its broken. What so different about this one, right? Just patch something up that childish, self centered, immature soul and start getting shit together as it supposed to be. Besides the fact that we actually talking about my soul, my unfulfilled childhood needs that causes me a lot of troubles in the future as a teenager and adult, my trust issues that has no boundaries whatsoever, my instinct that  I doubted all the time and always proves me to be nothing than so damn fucking right (I honestly think that my instinct has a vagina since it always have this needs to shoved “I told you!” right into my face, but don’t tell it I tell you about that). Oh right, my soul is no fucking tires.

Realizing the fact that I, apparently, surprisingly and very unlikely started to developed needs of stability in my life, I started making some options to actually do something that will change me into a better form of human being. And this decision popped out of my head just like that. It happened like that scene in the movie where there are three of you, the mind version of you and the heart version of you which obviously, are on the opposites side of each other, both trying to stating their version of pros and cons, cutting each other off sentences with screams and drama written all over the genre. The same old “I know better than you do”, “You always made the worst decision ever”, “Remember that time when you get to decide and you ended up in a deepest, ugliest part of your life, bitch?” kinda conversation. In this movie scene, thank God I finally get to be the reality version of me, the mature, the think-thoroughly-before-action kinda gal, tho.

So I have come to a very important and one of the biggest step and decision of my life. That the best thing to heal myself is to spend more time with my self. To get to know who and what kind really is the truest me. To listen more to that little voice of mine, the voice of conscious mind and purest heart of mine that has been forgotten way too long. To actually start to love myself instead of pretending to love the way I am and acting like I’m okay with it. To forgive the mistakes I’ve made to myself, the bad choices that got me in bad places, the things I’ve said and done to disgrace myself. To have peace and serenity with the past me, so I could fix myself in the present and ended up with a better me in the future.

In order to do that many homework, I don’t think I could keep up with a relationship or even flings. I have so many things in my plate right now, I need to clean it up all first before I could even think about relationship with a significant other. I just want to put everything where it supposed to be. Because life to me has been always a mess. This is like a massive cleaning and boxing before you moved out of your old house. You have to sort things out, which goes with you and which goes to the dumpster or Goodwill. Now I’m in the place where I have to moved out of my old, cozy yet unhealthy house to a house where broken and ugly things aren’t something you could have or afford. So it’s basically not an option. It’s just about time. And my clock is already ticking.

Because you can’t have the real thing with a real person when you yourself are superficial. And let’s just be real, those patches you’ve had so many in all these years, they aren’t really healing. They just covered the wound up, so whenever you feel like peeping on those wounds, the blood and flesh stay as fresh as if it were made yesterday and you could feel the pain all over again and you feel like having those wounds is the reasonable reason for being such a bitch in a crackhead butt.

Well, say bye-bye. Because we are so fixing this.

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Kali Ini

Kali Ini

Kali ini aku tak meneteskan air mata barang setetes saja. Kali ini aku terlalu lelah untuk berkubang dalam kepedihan dan kesakitan. Kali ini aku terluka karena sikapmu. Bukan, bukan karena keputusanmu bahwa meninggalkanku adalah yang terbaik bagiku. Tahu apa kamu tentang itu. Kali ini sikapmu yang menyiratkan bahwa aku bukanlah siapa-siapa dan tak berhak bersuara apa-apa yang melukaiku. Kali ini kau melukai harga diriku. Aku, yang telah mengorbankan begitu banyak hal hingga sampai di titik ini. Ratusan siang dan malam, ribuan jam, terlalu banyak mimpi, angan dan harapan. Semua itu, berakhir sia-sia. Aku curahkan segala sisa yang ku miliki untuk hubungan yang berujung pilu. Tenang, aku tak menyesal. Bertemu denganmu, mengenalmu dan menjadi bagian dari hari-harimu tak seharusnya disebut sebagai penyesalan. Kamu adalah bahagiaku.

Aku menaruh harapanku padamu. Bukan, bukan untuk masa depan kita. Tapi untuk masa depanmu sendiri. Aku tahu diri. Aku memang bukanlah orang yang pada akhirnya akan menemanimu hingga tua. Aku sudah tahu itu dari awal. Tapi aku tak pernah mampu menahan diri dari rasa nyaman yang kamu berikan. Ada yang tak bisa ku hindari, dan itu kamu. Aku menaruh harapanku padamu. Kelak, kamu akan mewujudkan segala mimpi dan keinginanmu. Meski itu tanpaku disisimu. It has always been easier for you than it was for me anyway.

Nanti, kalau bukan sekarang, kamu akan mengerti. Hal yang membuatmu begitu marah, begitu terluka, begitu tersakiti.. Itu adalah bentuk kasih sayang dan kepedulianku padamu. Betapa aku ingin kamu menjadi seseorang yang kamu mau. Betapa yang kupikirkan hanyalah dirimu dan tidak sedikitpun aku. Tapi aku tak perlu menjelaskan apa-apa padamu saat ini. Tak perlu juga aku mengelak dari segala tuduhanmu padaku. Karena apapun yang aku katakan, hanya akan berseberangan arah dari pemikiran dan persepsimu. Jadi, aku tak apa-apa. Aku tak apa-apa dengan kepergianmu. I’ll get used to it. Selama itu mampu membuka matamu lebar-lebar bahwa dunia tak selebar daun kelor. Bahwa ada banyak hal di luar lingkaranmu yang belum kamu lihat dan rasa. Selama keputusanmu meninggalkanku hanya untuk menyadarkanmu untuk bangun dari tidur panjangmu, aku tak apa-apa.

Kelak, kamu akan menemukan seseorang yang akan menemanimu hingga tua. Berbahagialah, seperti yang selama ini telah kamu lakukan.

You will always have a special place in my heart, Mickey-ku Sayang…

Is It A Love Story?

Is It A Love Story?

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. About something that I thought would never occurred my mind. This is just something I picked up not long ago, triggered by something so bizarre yet somehow, so truthful.

 

A kind reminder: this is not based on my very own story.

 

Imagine this. Two opposite sex of mankind met so accidentally and unexpectedly, they didn’t realize that they both already drawn into each other.

At first it was fun, friendly and that’s all. It started with a chat from him but she didn’t really pay attention. For Pete’s sake, she didn’t even remember his real name at first. From one chat to another, they went hangout together for the first time. Strictly casual, non-dating hangout kinda type. Still, the impression was pretty much so-so for her, and he didn’t seem like he’s trying to get into another step. As time goes by, he then again, chatted her up. Started the conversation with something that they both like, the chat went on and off. This time he got her interest although the timing’s seemed to be a bitch.

Then one afternoon, it all started. She got bored. She texted some of her friends to go hang out. He was on her radar that day. She needed a friend and somehow he was able to deliver her needs well. They hung out. Apparently, that one afternoon led to another. They started to text and meet on daily basis. Guess what happened next?

She blurted out the statement. The l-o-v-e statement. She was falling for him. And as expected, the love story of these two.. began. Wait. I rephrase. The so called love story of Godzilla and T-Rex.. began.

You did not read me wrong. The two love birds are more likely to be called Godzilla and T-Rex. Because they had been on fights more than world wars all combined together since day one. Started from a very simple thing to principal matters. It was like they were having they very own World War III. The relationship has been on and off since day one. The honeymoon phase was a myth for both of them, since it only lasted a week, tops. All through the year, the time they were together was nothing compared to when they were apart.

However, they seemed to have a magnetic aura towards each other. Once, they were apart for over 4 months. Just when she started to accept the fact that maybe the two of them were better off to be alone, he showed up. Asking for forgiveness, told her how much he missed her, said that he’s been watching her from distance despite everything that happened between them. She wasn’t sure about the decision she’s about to made, but she couldn’t resist him. He is her weakness. She love(d) him.

So you could guess what happened between them when she made mistake, right? A break-up that led only to the two of them getting back together. Again. For the love of God, they were just so much into each other they couldn’t resist the broken-heart of being apart.

 

But that, wasn’t the story I wanted to write down today. Today, it’s her time of truth.

 

She has doubts. She is unsurprisingly unsure. She doesn’t know what’s right or what’s wrong. She clearly is.. confused.

We had our ups and downs. We are so much alike somehow it terrifying. He is the best that I ever had so far. His patience, his caring, his tender love, his hug, his kiss, his smell, his silly-not-so-funny-jokes that always got me laughing. The best part is, I could be myself when I’m with him. My ugliest part, my best part. He practically tear down lay by lay of me because he loves me and he want to treat me the way I wanted to. Nonetheless, he support my every step.

But on the other hand, all we do is fighting and fighting and fighting. I distrust him, he distrust me. Some moments, I just couldn’t bear with all his craziness. Some times, I am just so sick of him.

And right now, I just don’t know if there’s any chance of us having a future together. I just don’t know if we should be together. But I don’t want to lose him. Not anymore. I couldn’t imagine myself waking up one morning without him. It would break me part to part. And I can not remember the good feeling of being single, since I have been in love for so long now.

Oh, dear.. Is it love you’re feeling? Or you’re just too scared to be lonely?

sinking boat

sinking boat

on the day that you walked away

i could hear your heart breaking

i could feel your tears streaming down

i can not blame you

for not choosing to stay

and who am i to stop you?

who am i to stand on your way?

 

i am too afraid

full of shame

i know there’s nothing i can do no more

you made your bed for both of us

and so be it

 

i will never find any man like you

willing to see beneath my flaws and mistakes

and loving me as it is

 

with you leaving

you wiped it clean on me

the love story we had

feels like made for drama

with you leaving

you left me empty

since you took everything

and left me with nothing

 

i am the sinking boat on the ocean

and your my lighthouse

whose just turn off the light

i can not find my way home anymore

it’s all darkness

and i am slowly drowning

 

see, you’re my only map

to the hunt of happiness

how could i go when i am blinded?

will you give me just one more chance

cause there’s more in me

only for you

Percakapan.

Percakapan.

Saya duduk di tempat istirahat petugas kebersihan gedung tempat saya bekerja. Menatap kosong ke arah gedung sebelah. Cuma jendela dan cat abu-abu. Setidaknya saya bisa menatap kosong tanpa takut ada gangguan. Setidaknya saya bisa menangis diam-diam tanpa ada seorang pun melihat. Tak lama, datanglah si petugas kebersihan. Melepas lelah, dia datang dengan segelas kopi dan seungkus rokok kretek. Tampak kaget melihat saya yang biasanya ceria dan ramai, duduk termenung sambil menyeka air mata. Dia hanya duduk diam dalam keheningan. Menghisap kreteknya dalam-dalam, memandangi cat abu-abu dan jendela yang sama bisunya seperti saya. Canggung, dia menawarkan saya minum.

“Mbak, mau minum?”, sambil menyodorkan segelas air putih. Raut wajahnya tampak iba dan simpatik.

“Nggak, pak. Makasih..” saya menolak sopan sambil tersenyum. Masam.

Kami kembali diam dalam keheningan yang kental dan terasa canggung.

“Dulu, waktu saya kecil Bapak saya pernah nyeletuk kalau perempuan punya air mata suci. Saya nggak ngerti awalnya.”, ucapan si Bapak Petugas Kebersihan memecah keheningan.

“Tapi semakin saya besar semakin saya ngerti. Kenapa Bapak saya ngomong begitu. Selama saya hidup, nggak pernah sekalipun Ibu saya meneteskan air mata karena Bapak saya. Bapak saya emang bukan lelaki sempurna, tapi dia ngerti cara mencintai dan cara memperlakukan Ibu saya. Sekalipun Ibu saya salah, beliau nggak pernah membiarkan Ibu saya nangis. Karena buat beliau, air mata Ibu saya sama seperti air mata Ibu-nya. Suci. Bagi Bapak saya, haram kalau sampai istrinya menangis karena sedih.”, dia melanjutkan ceritanya. Tanpa bertanya kenapa. Tanpa bertanya ada apa.

Saya terenyuh dan kembali pecah oleh air mata. Air mata yang tadinya cuma menggenang di pelupuk mata, menetes satu-satu.

“Saya nggak tau kenapa Mbak nangis. Tapi saya tau Mbak sedih dan seperti kehilangan. Sering manusia sibuk berkutat sama kesedihannya. Nyari jawaban kemana-mana buat ngilangin sedihnya. Cari pelampiasan, kadang bukan pelampiasan yang baik. Keliling kesana kemari nyari yang nggak bisa dia temuin. Saya juga suka gitu. Saya suka lupa kalau jawaban yang saya cari jaraknya cuma antara kepala dan sajadah.”

Bapak Petugas Kebersihan membuka laci coffee table dan memberikan tissue. Senyumnya tampak tulus.

“Mungkin, yang Mbak cari selama ini ada di depan mata Mbak. Tapi Mbak nggak sadar karena terlalu sibuk sama hal lain.”

“Saya sholat jumat dulu ya, Mbak..”, Bapak Petugas Kebersihan pamit dan meninggalkan saya dengan menohok hati kecil saya.

17 Januari

17 Januari

Ceritakan padaku dunia di bawah sana. Alam yang belum kusentuh, dan semoga tak cepat-cepat. Baik kabarmu? Semoga Tuhan dan para malaikat-Nya berbaik hati padamu. Dari sini aku hanya mampu memanjatkan doa. Aku rindu, terlalu rindu. Padamu yang tak sempat kulepas dengan lega.

17 Januari kemarin adalah hari kelahiranmu. Tahun ini harusnya umurmu menginjak 64 tahun. Sayang, Tuhan memanggilmu lebih cepat dari harapanku. Belum pernah sekalipun dalam ingatanku, kita meniup lilin saat ulang tahunmu. Bagaimana bisa doaku agar panjang umurmu kalau kau pun sudah tiada, Ayah? Keluh kesah dan ceritaku banyak terpendam, tak sempat kubagi denganmu. Ingin kuperkenalkan anak semata wayangku pada Kakek yang hanya bisa dia lihat dari foto yang kupajang di atas piano. Ya, piano yang kau beli untukku. Piano yang meski sudah lapuk dan tak pernah lagi kumainkan, tak sampai hati kujual. Hanya itu sisa milikku yang khusus kau berikan padaku.

Ayah, rindukah kau pada anakmu ini? Pada istrimu? Mungkin kau pun ingin mengucap selamat tinggal yang lebih pantas kepada kami. Aku tak pernah tahu. Karena selama hidupmu, sejak aku mengerti bagaimana hidup kita begitu rumit dan kompleks, rasa benciku mengalahkan cinta yang kumiliki untukmu.

Kunjungi aku lagi lewat mimpi, Ayah. Anakmu ini menghabiskan hampir setiap malamnya menangis merindukanmu. Menyesali semua perbuatanku, betapa bodohnya aku menyia-nyiakan waktu yang tak banyak untuk membencimu sampai jauh kedalam hati. Peluk aku walau hanya lewat mimpi, Ayah. Aku tak tahu bagaimana lagi caraku untuk bisa merasakan pelukmu yang seringkali kuabaikan. Kusalahkan kecewa dan gengsiku yang begitu besar dan tinggi, sampai momen berharga seperti itu pun kulewatkan. Bicaralah padaku dalam mimpi, Ayah. Aku benci kenyataan kalau aku sudah lupa suaramu.

Ayah, mungkin kau menatapku dengan kecewa saat ini. Betapa anakmu tak menjadi seperti apa yang kau mau. Maafkan aku dan segala kurangku. Tolong bimbing hatiku lurus dan sesuai perintah-Nya. Sekarang hanya tinggal Mama untuk aku bahagiakan. Aku tak mau hidup dalam penyesalan kedua kalinya karena lalai membahagiakan Mama. Sudah cukup sesalku hanya karena kau pergi begitu cepat tanpa sanggup aku membuatmu bangga. Aku tak mampu hidup bila tiba saatnya Mama pergi tanpa sempat aku bahagiakan.

Semoga tenang Ayah disana. Semoga diberikan tempat baik, paling baik untuk Ayah disana. Semoga kelak kita berkumpul lagi di alam, dunia atau mungkin kehidupan yang berbeda. Anakmu sudah ikhlas dan sedang belajar memaafkan. Anakmu sedang mencoba menghargai hidup dan mencintai dirinya lagi. Semoga sampai doaku kepadamu.

Selamat ulang tahun, Ayah. Ade selalu sayang Ayah.

That One Lucky Bitch

That One Lucky Bitch

That one lucky bitch got herself the prince charming she’s been craving for years. The one who makes her laugh the purest, smile the brightest and live the happiest. The one who has the most warmest hugs and sweetest kisses. The one whose she’s willing to fight for. The one that successfully stole every bit of whatever’s left from her.

That one lucky bitch finally found someone worth the miles. She’s finally putting an end to her endless journey of Finding Mr. Right. Because now, that one lucky bitch got herself a one big Mr. So Damn Fucking Right.

PS : I love you.