Stranger

I thought that for so many years of trials and errors, I would know what to do. That I wouldn’t break nor be temper. But learning is an endless journey and it needs limitless amount of patience. And at times, you just feel.. worn out, I guess. You know the time when you think you know someone? You peeled their layer off one by one, but always ended up with new layer as if there’s no end to it? You find something new every single time, learn new stuff in every peeled layers. And then you realize that one person you thought you knew about so well, are a stranger.

It’s quite amusing, interesting and ironically, too close to be sad and annoying all in the same time. That one person you know from back to back are nothing but a whole different person on each layer. Sometimes it is tiring. Sometimes I feel fed up. Like I want to get out and escape. As if it’s what I do best.. Running. Breaking my heart and another each step I take going further and further. Be the bad person. Be the girl their friends talked about. Be the one that always got it wrong while others doing so damn well.

But a while ago, I decided to do something different. I want to change. In everything. I want more. I don’t want to be in and out relationship anymore. I don’t want to start things all over again. I want to start a new life. I want something new. Things could’ve been better than this. Things should be better than this. That I had just a bit more than enough of endless, countless, meaningless things in life that I finally realized that I want something more than just… shit.

And so the big decision has been made. It is you. My kind of change is you. You are a very big part of my new life. You are not just a chapter in a book of mine. You are my whole new book. The one guy that I decided to be with for the rest of my life. That I made the promise to myself to be better and to have boundaries and to be at my best. For you, and for me as well.

But now… I found myself breaking apart. I am all torn up. My attempt of being content has reached it limits or so I thought. I feel like all those hours, days even years to get to know you better made you even more a stranger. And these days, I feel like it is so hard to talk to you. And we’re not even started! I am not clueless nor hopeless… I am just tired, sad, had so much in my mind and got no one to talk to. And what should I do when you can’t even talk to your very significant other?

Marriage from The Perspective of A Never Been Married Yet Girl.

For someone whose never been married, I pretty much encounter a lot of marriage problems. As predicted, none of them was mine. I have always been on the other side, the listening ears. I, as a person who loves to analyze, have so much interest on psychology and pretty much love to learn human behavior, always sit tight and listen well. How the story-teller tells the story is always interesting. The gesture of their body speaks thousands language, how they sit interpret on what they feel about the problem, how they express their feelings thru every movement of their face muscles, the tone of their voice sums up what words can’t describe. Each story, takes me on a unique and different trip to their mind and heart. How much you get from one simple sentence will blow your mind. You see their pain, you feel the sadness, you got carried away with their misery, you cry as if it were you who went through all. And that, all from one story.

For the most intriguing, complicated, challenging stories, I took notes after. I analyze what really is the root of the problem. I sometimes do a follow up story, or a background check. Just to get my facts checked and my theory reasonable. It actually irritates me how sometimes the root of the problems and solutions is simpler than I thought it would be, yet walking the talk in real life is hard and tough. Or when you thought, “Oh this is the hard one”, yet everything seems to be going easier than expected and solved easily. And that time when the root of all problems caused by years of unexpressed feelings, untold traumas, shameful past that leads to unsolved years of problems and actually made you mentally ill and left you hidden scars for life.

The thing here is, as a person itself, they already pilled up with problems of their own. For every emotional, psychological, mental thing that they weren’t able to finish or solved. Those wounds that left untreated, those scars that keeps on reminding them of their pain. Each every one of them, has their own problems. They are born with feelings attached to their mind and heart that it made them vulnerable.

—

As in marriage, you need to be able to combine two person in one unity. Different backgrounds, different back stories, different habits, different characters, different wants and needs with the agenda of love, one vision and same goal. At first, it’s all sweet and easy. You are in the phase of adapting to one another, you tolerate the reckless behavior, you forgive the careless habits while hoping that your partner will change or at least consider your wants and needs as their priority. As the marriage continues, so does both of your life. The job, the house-works, the child, the big family matter, etc. The routines makes it impossible for you to spend quality time. Most of the days, you only talk to each other in the morning or when one of you aren’t asleep at night. Texts and phone calls has become your main lines of communication for both of your schedule or operational things that needs to be discussed together. Arguments and disagreements never reach a win-win solution anymore simply because none of you made an effort. And just like that, your marriage has turned into a chores you do everyday. It became a part of daily routines, it loses sparks. That person you decided to marry long ago for whatever reasons you had, turns into a housemate. Your marriage is not only drifted but also wasted and forgotten.

Read carefully each sentences on the paragraph above because this happens everywhere, on every couples with slightly different stories, every time. Also because, if you’re willing to see the bigger picture, you might be able to see what’s the problem and solutions.

Marriage is work. Marriage is something you put effort into, something you pay attention to, something that needs unlimited patience and tolerance, something that needs you to communicate, something that you do because you want it not because others tells you to.

Marriage is a journey. Marriage is taking your loved one on a theme park with so many rides. It will be long, sweet, romantic, terrifying, exhausting, scary, you might scream, full of happy or sad tears. It’s all up to both of you.

Marriage is a vow you made with your loved one in front of God. Marriage is that one time you blown away by their smile, when you want to know what they’re up to almost every minute, when all you can think about alone in the bedroom is how nice it would be if you could cuddle and fall asleep next to each other. Marriage is the reason you fell in love to that person, the reason why you chose them to have 50% genetics part of your child, the reason you want to travel the world together, the reason you want to grow old together.

Marriage is whether you and your partner chooses to synced in harmony or ruined in disaster.

Cukup Begitu Saja

Maaf kalau maksud baikmu yang menanyakan kabarku tak ku hiraukan. Perkara ini tak semudah yang bisa terbayang olehmu. Tampak sepele mungkin, tapi sesingkat pertanyaanmu yang ingin tahu apakah aku baik-baik saja pun bisa menjadi sebuah lubang kunci di pintu yang akan membuatku ingin mencari kuncinya dan membuka pintunya atau bahkan mendobrak paksa. Dan aku tak ingin lagi. Untuk melalui semua naik dan turun, menghadapi kamu dan semua rasa itu lagi. Aku sudah melampaui batas mampuku dengan kamu. Dan untuk memulai segalanya lagi, semua perasaan itu lagi, aku tahu aku tak akan bisa lagi. Biarlah kita menjadi sebuah cerita yang kusimpan baik dalam memoriku, tertata di satu sudut rapi dalam kotak khusus milik kamu dan segala yang terjadi ketika aku dan kamu adalah kita. Selebihnya, biar kamu menjadi bagian dari doaku dan cukup begitu saja.

melepaskan.

meski masih kurindu,

tapi ku tak lagi berperih rasa mengingatmu.

seakan telah ku selesaikan apa-apa yang bersarang memparasitkan hatiku.

tapi, bukan berarti hadirmu atau kabarmu atau apa-apa tentangmu tak melemahkanku.

bukan, bukan itu.

karena sungguh sedikit pemicu tentangmu mampu menggemuruhkan banyak rasa dan kenanganku.

benar-benar bisa menggoyahkan imanku untuk berkubang dalam sendu dan kelam.

bagaimana tidak?

kamu adalah segalanya bagiku.

yang menghidupkan sisa-sisaku

yang sudah lama mati suri,

mengajarkanku bagaimana caranya menggunakan hatiku lagi,

dan gelora hidup yang baru pertama kurasakan.

hanya saja, dada ini tak terhimpit sesak lagi,

tangisku sudah tak perlu kutahan lagi.

rela? belum sampai situ.

tak semudah itu, sayangku.

tapi aku sudah mengerti. akhirnya aku pahami.

dan benar-benar tulus merasa

bahwa semua rasa ini,

saat ini sudah pantas ku sebut cinta tulus,

meski sungguh klise dan menggelikan.

kenapa saat ini?

karena sekarang, aku rasa cukup untukku mencintaimu dengan seperti ini.

tak memaksa,

bukan diam-diam,

dan dengan tenang dari kejauhan.

siapapun kelak yang akan menjadi pilihanmu, yakinku akan menjadi wanita paling beruntung tanpa perlu iri-ku berada di antara. karena mungkin tulus tanpa dengki-ku bisa bertahan hanya sampai titik ini dulu.

•••

sayangku, bahagiamu dan terbaikmu adalah satu dari sekian doa yang paling rajin kupanjatkan diam-diam. agar kamu hanya selalu bahagia tanpa merasa nelangsa.

semoga selalu begitu, seperti sebelum adanya aku dan tetap begitu selayaknya tak pernah adanya aku.

sayangku,

dengan ini, kukembalikan milikmu.

ini; hati yang tak pernah teryakinkan, percaya yang berulang kali kupatahkan, kecewa yang terlalu sering kamu rasakan, airmata yang terlalu banyak kamu keluarkan, amarah yang terlalu sering kupancing, sakit hati yang sudah menjadi kebiasaan, cinta yang.. yah, cinta yang tak pernah sampai di titiknya untukku, sayang yang perlahan mereda dan peduli yang sudah terkikis.

dengan ini, kubebaskan kamu dari belengguku. kulepaskan kamu dari jerat ketidakrelaanku yang mungkin tak membayangimu, tapi aku tahu kalau ini akan menjadi langkah yang melegakan bukan hanya aku tapi juga kamu. untuk jalan kita yang pernah bersimpangan, sama sekali tak ada penyesalan dariku. hanya saja mungkin waktunya tidak tepat, mungkin situasinya tidak tepat atau mungkin kita memang bukan orang yang tepat untuk satu sama lain. sungguh takdir dan garis kehidupan manusia adalah rahasia semesta dan Ilahi yang terlalu dalam untuk ditelusuri.

•••

tolong,

salamkan rinduku, sayangku, peluk dan kecupku untuk kamu dengan caraku yang kamu semoga tak lupa. pudar, bukanlah bagian dari aku dan kamu; yang ini keyakinanku tak akan sedikitpun roboh.

– a

silver lining

if only you knew;

that for you I will

sail thru the ocean

climb the highest mountain

jump off of the cliff

have a gun pointed between my eyes

and a sharpened knife ready to slit my artery,

that I will in every situation benefiting you,

trade my life with yours

just to prove how deep I’d fell

for you, my love

but that’ll be too much

(oh believe me, I know)

when all you needed is just

for me to make time

for me to keep my promises

for me to let my words be the only thing

that you hold on to

for me to not ever let you be disappointed even sad

but love,

life is like that and I am not perfect

my time is limited and 24 hour a day

will never be enough

I broke my promises and I bet

I will do that again

my words will be too slippery for you to hold on to

and sadly, disappointment is my expertise

——

I don’t know how to not

take you, my love, for granted

because too bad, I’ve been treated like that

for as long as I remember

I’m too used to be taken for granted,

so I’ve done nothing but the same

to people I love so very dearly

but for you, oh dear since you

since you’re here, all I wanna do is to be better

to be a better version of me

because deep down

I know and I want that

I deserve to be seen at my best for you

that to let you have a memory

of me being in pieces is never my option

——

see, they said changes has to be made for your own good, for yourself

but a trigger, your kind of trigger, is a good thing for a broken thing like me

you made me want to discover myself and found myself again

you made me want to forgive myself and love myself all over again

you are my change

and I don’t mind

because one thing I know for sure

that you are the only one I have for eternity

and I know that you love me just as I am

and that you, no matter what, will not ever leave me

——

thank you, my love, my angel, my world, my blessing, my galaxy, my son.

you, in your own unique and unexpected way has successfully teach me something so precious. you restored my faith in love. you healed me from my brokenness. you, with your smile, laughter, stubbornness, temper and sincere love has teach me that above everything; love conquers all.

to you, my dearly silver lining. salute.

belenggu rindu

usahaku patah bahkan saat aku baru hendak bersiap. semudah ucap kata “semoga bahagia” yang tak berarti bila ia tak disana.

dan segala kepura-puraan akan ketidakpedulian pun meradang, menyadari kalau ia tak mampu lagi menahan asa karena rindu terlalu bergelorakan rasa.

lalu sebenarnya, siapa yang lebih tahan?

aku?

kamu?

atau rindu?

atau bahkan,

segala yang kita pikir mampu membelenggu rasa?

dengan segala sisa yang ada,

aku; yang pernah dan tak ingin berhenti jadi milikmu.

Signed, Sealed, Delivered to: The Almighty God in Heaven

— prolog

pada akhirnya yang mengelabu, meredup; bukan cuma aku.

padahal dengan segala pengetahuanmu tentang lapisan demi lapisanku; aku akan melemah dan kamu sendiri tersiksa.

tapi pendirian itu sudah kokoh, lagi-lagi keputusan tanpa diskusi, tanpa tukar pikiran, hanya makian dan bersisa sesal; aku, kamu, sama.

•••

bagaimana bisa Dia membiarkanku merasa kalau pada akhirnya tak Dia relakan aku dan dirinya bersama? pantaskah aku yang hanya setitik debu di mata-Nya, yang eksistensinya di semesta bahkan untuk orang di sekelilingnya tak berpengaruh apa-apa, menuntut jawab dari pertanyaan yang menghantuinya? pantaskah seorang seperti aku meminta terus menerus keringanan dan mendapatkan yang kumau? meski di titik ini, kuragu bahwa memang dia yang ku mau. bagaimana bisa bila cerita rasa itu hanya akan menjadi sebuah pelajaran dan bukan berkat, Dia tancapkan ku jatuh terlalu jauh dan dalam? bukankah ini terasa seperti pengulangan rasa yang tak jauh berbeda; bahwa aku sudah melalui dan berhasil melewatinya dan berdiri disini tetaplah bukan alasan untuk mengulang perihnya lagi ‘kan?

•••

ah, Kamu.. aku tak ingin berargumen bahwa Kau sedang mempermainkanku. aku lelah melawan-Mu. mungkin caraku salah. mungkin harusnya aku ikuti alur-Mu dan memasrahkanku pada jalan cerita yang Kau buat. tapi tolong, rasa ini sungguh sudah kucoba tahan dan lawan, tapi aku tak sedang mengobati ini. aku hanya sibuk memasang barikade sembari menunggu titik batasnya dan habis sudah pertahananku dan aku kembali kemana aku bermula. tegakah Kau padaku? mungkin Kau pikir aku akan lebih kuat dari yang lalu, tapi yang diambilnya adalah sisa-sisa lalu yang aku punya. kalau tak kudapatkan lagi semua itu, habis sudah aku dibuat oleh-Mu, tahukah?

ahh.. sesungguhnya sering aku hanya ingin merasa yakin bahwa pilihanku sesuai dengan petunjuk-petunjuk yang Kau rancang untukku. lebih seringnya lagi, aku berharap Kamu bisa benar-benar memerintah langsung layaknya seorang tua pada anaknya. Biar bagaimana, akan menyenangkan untuk dimanjakan dan diperhatikan oleh-Mu Yang Menciptakan aku. sekarang yang terjadi aku menerka, apakah ini betul atau itukah yang benar? bahkan kehadiran akan seseorang yang cukup baik saat ini membuatku ragu bukannya bersyukur. permainan macam apa lagi ini yang Kau mainkan padaku? sebuah tes kah dia yang Kau kirim? atau petunjuk menuju hal baik atau hadiah atas ketulusan niatku yang Kamu tahu betul kebenarannya? bisakah sekali saja kirimkan aku buku manual untuk melanjutkan sisa umurku? ah ya, itulah yang disebut Al-Quran. kalau boleh jujur, segala bahasa yang tersirat dan terlalu banyak penafsiran melelahkan pikiran duniawiku. dan Kau ciptakan manusia dengan segala akal pikiran khusus milik makhluk paling sempurna hingga mereka menjadi lupa diri, mengartikan semuanya sesuai yang mereka mau dan cocok dengan diri masing-masing. bagaimana bisa kebenaran artinya tersadurkan dengan baik kalau begini?

tapi dipikir-pikir, mungkin itu yang Kamu mau ya. untukku berpedoman. betapa aku menginginkan Kau berikan perintah langsung, sebegitu lupanya aku bahwa semua tertuang dari ribuan tahun lalu di kitab agamaku. maafkan aku yang sedang menerawang dan mencari keyakinan. untukku hanya perlu yakin. tak perlu masuk logika. bahkan ketika aku berkaca dan bertanya “Siapa kamu?” pada diriku sendiri, pikiranku menjadi logika lepas dengan segala kemungkinan yang ada. tapi tahu ‘kan Kamu kalau aku Kau cipta dengan berpusatkan pada rasa? jadi mari bicara tentang itu layaknya aku sedang meminta tolong karena memang itu yang aku lakukan saat ini.

kali ini, sungguh ku mohon. demi segala hal yang aku telah lalui, segala hal yang aku pernah miliki dan kini tak lagi ku punyai. demi segala hal yang mengharukanku dengan bahagia meski itu menjadi tangis, segala hal yang menjadi asal muasal sanubariku menjerit. demi segala hal yang aku perjuangkan, sayangi dan pedulikan… kali ini. bisakah Kau, untukku, kumohon untuk menjauhkan segala hal dan semua orang yang tak baik untukku, dan dekatkan aku pada yang Kau suratkan dulu itu saat Kau menghadirkanku ke semesta-Mu? setidaknya tunjukkanlah (petunjuk yang lebih tegas) untuk yang sudah Kau suratkan untukku; apa-apa yang memang pergi untuk tak (lagi) kembali, apa-apa yang masih ada dan seharusnya tiada, apa-apa yang tidak dimiliki tapi adalah suratan takdir. karena aku ini Kau ciptakan dengan ketidakpekaan dan buruk dalam menerka-nerka.

dan Kau pun menyadari pasti, 24 tahun sudah cukup untuk bermain-main. menua adalah pasti, tapi bermanfaat adalah sebuah pilihan. dan aku ingin bermanfaat, setidaknya untuk 1 orang yang pernah tumbuh dalam tubuhku yang tak seberapa ini. bahkan bila bahagianya adalah deritaku. dan situasiku yang sedikit malfungsi di pusat kehidupanku ini menghambat keputusan yang tak lain juga adalah ketulusanku yang paling sungguh-sungguh.

Tuhan, tak perlu ‘kan Aku meneriakkan langit demi suaraku terdengar. Aku berpikir bahwa semua adegan memarahi-Mu yang tak perlu di film-film itu memang terlalu berlebihan. Jadi ini dalam hatiku saja, hanya menjadi bisikanku pada-Mu yang semoga akan Kau pertimbangkan baik-baik. Ini cerita dua per tiga malamku kepada-Mu. Meski ini bukanlah saat terbaik dalam hidupku untuk meminta pada-Mu, aku tahu Kau mendengarkan ocehan yang kutuliskan dan kukirimkan ke singgasana-Mu yang Maha Mendengar dan Maha Mengetahui agar Kau bisa memajang ini di hadapan-Mu dan tak pernah lupa akan pintaku.

Selamat pagi, Tuhan. Hari baru dengan kesempatan hidup sekali lagi hari ini. Terima kasih. I love you.

Cliche.

I must say this..

I am so very sorry. That the way things ended are not exactly like we both imagined. But I can’t be with you and imagining (while hoping) that you were someone else. Although your intentions are something that I really want, I just can’t picture myself with someone else but him. And that’s totally unfair for you. To have feelings for me, to developed comfort with a girl that can’t stop thinking about someone else when she’s with you. I totally understand if you ended up hating me. That’s fine and understandable. This one, the blame is on me.

The last few days had been fun. You were great. And as cliche as it sounds, it’s not you, it’s me. I still have so many boxes to packed before I leave the house.

I hope you understand.

Moving To The New House

Being constantly hopping from one guy to another from time to time, I think I need to stop and take sometime off the dating zone. The decision wasn’t made overnight, I actually think thoroughly about this. Because it will be a big step for me. It has never been easy for me being alone with myself. There’s this weirdly realistic fear that I keep pushing to the back door of my mind. For I love to have some times for myself, I actually hate the loneliness. I hate having no one to talk to.

Back in the uglier days, my family is totally uncountable for being a sharing partners, let alone a support group. But now things are getting brighter. I texted my Mother everyday, since now we live separately. Our relationship start to feel like old times and I like it. Things are great too with my sister and brother-in-law. The down part is just that because of this new job, I have to live in a different city with my son. And he started acting out because he feels left out by me. That actually the one thing that bugged me everyday. I constantly asking myself whether this is a good decision or not. But the future needs stability and this job does that and it keeps me sane and on track, too. Although it made me feel like I’m being Worst Mom of The Year. But there will always be sacrifices in every decision. I risked being the worst now if I could assured myself that my baby boy’s future is taken care of. In the end I should start relying on nobody but myself for the sake of both me and my son.

Anyway, back to the dating topic. I have this deep thought about myself from a very long time ago. But I think I was being too scared to face the real problem that I kept on making diversion and buried what was supposed to be handled years ago. According to this little research I did about myself, which actually I already knew this years ago, I have daddy issues. I keep on finding male figure in my life because as a child I didn’t have the attention and love I needed from my Father (Oh bless his soul in Heaven, Dear Lord). That was the easy part, to locate the first issue. But since there’s no highway to heaven, here comes the hard part. What should I do to fix my obviously (d’uh?) broken soul? Yup. The answer to that got me in a lot of trials and errors, until now.

I have tried so many ways, believe me, I have had plenty of ways you could never even imagined let alone hear. This topic might sounded a bit too much for other people, but I tracked down my life history and this motherfucken problem of freaking daddy issue is the smiling devil rooted in me. My whole life as I started to remember moments and feelings from my childhood, I always had this feeling of void that need something more than just a parade of different guys in my life. Either I fix it or I fill it. Technically speaking, I could always patch a void in my tire when its broken. What so different about this one, right? Just patch something up that childish, self centered, immature soul and start getting shit together as it supposed to be. Besides the fact that we actually talking about my soul, my unfulfilled childhood needs that causes me a lot of troubles in the future as a teenager and adult, my trust issues that has no boundaries whatsoever, my instinct that  I doubted all the time and always proves me to be nothing than so damn fucking right (I honestly think that my instinct has a vagina since it always have this needs to shoved “I told you!” right into my face, but don’t tell it I tell you about that). Oh right, my soul is no fucking tires.

Realizing the fact that I, apparently, surprisingly and very unlikely started to developed needs of stability in my life, I started making some options to actually do something that will change me into a better form of human being. And this decision popped out of my head just like that. It happened like that scene in the movie where there are three of you, the mind version of you and the heart version of you which obviously, are on the opposites side of each other, both trying to stating their version of pros and cons, cutting each other off sentences with screams and drama written all over the genre. The same old “I know better than you do”, “You always made the worst decision ever”, “Remember that time when you get to decide and you ended up in a deepest, ugliest part of your life, bitch?” kinda conversation. In this movie scene, thank God I finally get to be the reality version of me, the mature, the think-thoroughly-before-action kinda gal, tho.

So I have come to a very important and one of the biggest step and decision of my life. That the best thing to heal myself is to spend more time with my self. To get to know who and what kind really is the truest me. To listen more to that little voice of mine, the voice of conscious mind and purest heart of mine that has been forgotten way too long. To actually start to love myself instead of pretending to love the way I am and acting like I’m okay with it. To forgive the mistakes I’ve made to myself, the bad choices that got me in bad places, the things I’ve said and done to disgrace myself. To have peace and serenity with the past me, so I could fix myself in the present and ended up with a better me in the future.

In order to do that many homework, I don’t think I could keep up with a relationship or even flings. I have so many things in my plate right now, I need to clean it up all first before I could even think about relationship with a significant other. I just want to put everything where it supposed to be. Because life to me has been always a mess. This is like a massive cleaning and boxing before you moved out of your old house. You have to sort things out, which goes with you and which goes to the dumpster or Goodwill. Now I’m in the place where I have to moved out of my old, cozy yet unhealthy house to a house where broken and ugly things aren’t something you could have or afford. So it’s basically not an option. It’s just about time. And my clock is already ticking.

Because you can’t have the real thing with a real person when you yourself are superficial. And let’s just be real, those patches you’ve had so many in all these years, they aren’t really healing. They just covered the wound up, so whenever you feel like peeping on those wounds, the blood and flesh stay as fresh as if it were made yesterday and you could feel the pain all over again and you feel like having those wounds is the reasonable reason for being such a bitch in a crackhead butt.

Well, say bye-bye. Because we are so fixing this.

Dear, Little Sister

My sister from another mother is getting married in two days. I could not be happier when I heard that she is finally tying the knot! I can see her so  much into this guy and I am so happy that he got to be the one that actually turned her to be a better person. Now, let me tell you a story about her, my forever best friend, my little sister that apparently, not so little anymore, Desty Anggun Pratiwi.

The first time I met her was when we were both tenth grader. She used to sit right behind me. She was the girl  I called unique, if not weirdo, lol.  Back then, she was all hip hop with Eminem all over her playlist (she idolizes him so much, I swear it terrified me sometimes), she wore a backpack with a strap that was way too long, over sized hip hop shoes, over sized uniforms. Okay, let’s just put over sized in everything she wore because that is the truth and nothing but the truth. Despite the fact that according to taste in music (and fashion, duh) we had nothing in common, I always feel this comfortable feeling around her. I could be myself (I can be very dominant and needy when it comes to friendship) and she has always been so understanding, a very good listener from the very beginning. Entering the second semester of tenth  grade, we ended up being a chair mate. And she had never leave my  side ever since. We spent high school with so many ups and downs. I had my own drama, she had hers. I’ve been calling her Ade as long as I remembered. Although technically, she is 6 months older but her childish attitude makes me feel like she is my younger sister.

As I mentioned earlier, we both had our own dramas. But she… She just stood by me through my most vulnerable moments, through my hard times, thick and thins.  She was the first one to arrived when I had my son. She was the one that helped me through the most unimaginable moments, she was there no matter what through my not-so-proud moments. She was and still the one who knows what to do best when I cry. Or when I just needed someone to talk about my sadness. Or even when I don’t know what to do with my life, she’s always on stand by mode.

My sister, my dearly Ade is a kind-hearted, sincere, lovable, smart, intuitive, curious, fun and I am so proud of her that she made it so far until now. She deserves to be happy. She deserves someone that could make her heart skips a beat, her blood flows faster and someone that could make her the happiest girl on earth. And if that someone is Fikar, the one she’s marrying this Saturday, then I give him my blessings and prayer to take you as his wife.

Dear Adeku sayang, monyet gue yang paling ngeselin dan ngangenin. Gue ga nyangka kalo  lo bakal ninggalin gue dan nikah duluan hahaha. I always thought I’d be the one that leaves you single :p

Tapi gue sangat, sangat bahagia dan sangat, sangat bangga karena lo akhirnya menemukan yang lo cari dan yakini. Gue berharap lo akan menjadi wanita yang jauh lebih baik lagi dari sekarang dan Fikar bisa bawa lo menuju surga. Gue yakin, lo akan menjadi istri yang baik dan nantinya akan menjadi ibu yang baik pula untuk anak-anak lo.

Remember that I will always be here, whenever you feel like you need someone to talk to. I love you every now and then, my not so little sister anymore. Kisses and hugs.