For someone whose never been married, I pretty much encounter a lot of marriage problems. As predicted, none of them was mine. I have always been on the other side, the listening ears. I, as a person who loves to analyze, have so much interest on psychology and pretty much love to learn human behavior, always sit tight and listen well. How the story-teller tells the story is always interesting. The gesture of their body speaks thousands language, how they sit interpret on what they feel about the problem, how they express their feelings thru every movement of their face muscles, the tone of their voice sums up what words can’t describe. Each story, takes me on a unique and different trip to their mind and heart. How much you get from one simple sentence will blow your mind. You see their pain, you feel the sadness, you got carried away with their misery, you cry as if it were you who went through all. And that, all from one story.
For the most intriguing, complicated, challenging stories, I took notes after. I analyze what really is the root of the problem. I sometimes do a follow up story, or a background check. Just to get my facts checked and my theory reasonable. It actually irritates me how sometimes the root of the problems and solutions is simpler than I thought it would be, yet walking the talk in real life is hard and tough. Or when you thought, “Oh this is the hard one”, yet everything seems to be going easier than expected and solved easily. And that time when the root of all problems caused by years of unexpressed feelings, untold traumas, shameful past that leads to unsolved years of problems and actually made you mentally ill and left you hidden scars for life.
The thing here is, as a person itself, they already pilled up with problems of their own. For every emotional, psychological, mental thing that they weren’t able to finish or solved. Those wounds that left untreated, those scars that keeps on reminding them of their pain. Each every one of them, has their own problems. They are born with feelings attached to their mind and heart that it made them vulnerable.
As in marriage, you need to be able to combine two person in one unity. Different backgrounds, different back stories, different habits, different characters, different wants and needs with the agenda of love, one vision and same goal. At first, it’s all sweet and easy. You are in the phase of adapting to one another, you tolerate the reckless behavior, you forgive the careless habits while hoping that your partner will change or at least consider your wants and needs as their priority. As the marriage continues, so does both of your life. The job, the house-works, the child, the big family matter, etc. The routines makes it impossible for you to spend quality time. Most of the days, you only talk to each other in the morning or when one of you aren’t asleep at night. Texts and phone calls has become your main lines of communication for both of your schedule or operational things that needs to be discussed together. Arguments and disagreements never reach a win-win solution anymore simply because none of you made an effort. And just like that, your marriage has turned into a chores you do everyday. It became a part of daily routines, it loses sparks. That person you decided to marry long ago for whatever reasons you had, turns into a housemate. Your marriage is not only drifted but also wasted and forgotten.
Read carefully each sentences on the paragraph above because this happens everywhere, on every couples with slightly different stories, every time. Also because, if you’re willing to see the bigger picture, you might be able to see what’s the problem and solutions.
Marriage is work. Marriage is something you put effort into, something you pay attention to, something that needs unlimited patience and tolerance, something that needs you to communicate, something that you do because you want it not because others tells you to.
Marriage is a journey. Marriage is taking your loved one on a theme park with so many rides. It will be long, sweet, romantic, terrifying, exhausting, scary, you might scream, full of happy or sad tears. It’s all up to both of you.
Marriage is a vow you made with your loved one in front of God. Marriage is that one time you blown away by their smile, when you want to know what they’re up to almost every minute, when all you can think about alone in the bedroom is how nice it would be if you could cuddle and fall asleep next to each other. Marriage is the reason you fell in love to that person, the reason why you chose them to have 50% genetics part of your child, the reason you want to travel the world together, the reason you want to grow old together.
Marriage is whether you and your partner chooses to synced in harmony or ruined in disaster.