Signed, Sealed, Delivered to: The Almighty God in Heaven

Signed, Sealed, Delivered to: The Almighty God in Heaven

— prolog

pada akhirnya yang mengelabu, meredup; bukan cuma aku.

padahal dengan segala pengetahuanmu tentang lapisan demi lapisanku; aku akan melemah dan kamu sendiri tersiksa.

tapi pendirian itu sudah kokoh, lagi-lagi keputusan tanpa diskusi, tanpa tukar pikiran, hanya makian dan bersisa sesal; aku, kamu, sama.

•••

bagaimana bisa Dia membiarkanku merasa kalau pada akhirnya tak Dia relakan aku dan dirinya bersama? pantaskah aku yang hanya setitik debu di mata-Nya, yang eksistensinya di semesta bahkan untuk orang di sekelilingnya tak berpengaruh apa-apa, menuntut jawab dari pertanyaan yang menghantuinya? pantaskah seorang seperti aku meminta terus menerus keringanan dan mendapatkan yang kumau? meski di titik ini, kuragu bahwa memang dia yang ku mau. bagaimana bisa bila cerita rasa itu hanya akan menjadi sebuah pelajaran dan bukan berkat, Dia tancapkan ku jatuh terlalu jauh dan dalam? bukankah ini terasa seperti pengulangan rasa yang tak jauh berbeda; bahwa aku sudah melalui dan berhasil melewatinya dan berdiri disini tetaplah bukan alasan untuk mengulang perihnya lagi ‘kan?

•••

ah, Kamu.. aku tak ingin berargumen bahwa Kau sedang mempermainkanku. aku lelah melawan-Mu. mungkin caraku salah. mungkin harusnya aku ikuti alur-Mu dan memasrahkanku pada jalan cerita yang Kau buat. tapi tolong, rasa ini sungguh sudah kucoba tahan dan lawan, tapi aku tak sedang mengobati ini. aku hanya sibuk memasang barikade sembari menunggu titik batasnya dan habis sudah pertahananku dan aku kembali kemana aku bermula. tegakah Kau padaku? mungkin Kau pikir aku akan lebih kuat dari yang lalu, tapi yang diambilnya adalah sisa-sisa lalu yang aku punya. kalau tak kudapatkan lagi semua itu, habis sudah aku dibuat oleh-Mu, tahukah?

ahh.. sesungguhnya sering aku hanya ingin merasa yakin bahwa pilihanku sesuai dengan petunjuk-petunjuk yang Kau rancang untukku. lebih seringnya lagi, aku berharap Kamu bisa benar-benar memerintah langsung layaknya seorang tua pada anaknya. Biar bagaimana, akan menyenangkan untuk dimanjakan dan diperhatikan oleh-Mu Yang Menciptakan aku. sekarang yang terjadi aku menerka, apakah ini betul atau itukah yang benar? bahkan kehadiran akan seseorang yang cukup baik saat ini membuatku ragu bukannya bersyukur. permainan macam apa lagi ini yang Kau mainkan padaku? sebuah tes kah dia yang Kau kirim? atau petunjuk menuju hal baik atau hadiah atas ketulusan niatku yang Kamu tahu betul kebenarannya? bisakah sekali saja kirimkan aku buku manual untuk melanjutkan sisa umurku? ah ya, itulah yang disebut Al-Quran. kalau boleh jujur, segala bahasa yang tersirat dan terlalu banyak penafsiran melelahkan pikiran duniawiku. dan Kau ciptakan manusia dengan segala akal pikiran khusus milik makhluk paling sempurna hingga mereka menjadi lupa diri, mengartikan semuanya sesuai yang mereka mau dan cocok dengan diri masing-masing. bagaimana bisa kebenaran artinya tersadurkan dengan baik kalau begini?

tapi dipikir-pikir, mungkin itu yang Kamu mau ya. untukku berpedoman. betapa aku menginginkan Kau berikan perintah langsung, sebegitu lupanya aku bahwa semua tertuang dari ribuan tahun lalu di kitab agamaku. maafkan aku yang sedang menerawang dan mencari keyakinan. untukku hanya perlu yakin. tak perlu masuk logika. bahkan ketika aku berkaca dan bertanya “Siapa kamu?” pada diriku sendiri, pikiranku menjadi logika lepas dengan segala kemungkinan yang ada. tapi tahu ‘kan Kamu kalau aku Kau cipta dengan berpusatkan pada rasa? jadi mari bicara tentang itu layaknya aku sedang meminta tolong karena memang itu yang aku lakukan saat ini.

kali ini, sungguh ku mohon. demi segala hal yang aku telah lalui, segala hal yang aku pernah miliki dan kini tak lagi ku punyai. demi segala hal yang mengharukanku dengan bahagia meski itu menjadi tangis, segala hal yang menjadi asal muasal sanubariku menjerit. demi segala hal yang aku perjuangkan, sayangi dan pedulikan… kali ini. bisakah Kau, untukku, kumohon untuk menjauhkan segala hal dan semua orang yang tak baik untukku, dan dekatkan aku pada yang Kau suratkan dulu itu saat Kau menghadirkanku ke semesta-Mu? setidaknya tunjukkanlah (petunjuk yang lebih tegas) untuk yang sudah Kau suratkan untukku; apa-apa yang memang pergi untuk tak (lagi) kembali, apa-apa yang masih ada dan seharusnya tiada, apa-apa yang tidak dimiliki tapi adalah suratan takdir. karena aku ini Kau ciptakan dengan ketidakpekaan dan buruk dalam menerka-nerka.

dan Kau pun menyadari pasti, 24 tahun sudah cukup untuk bermain-main. menua adalah pasti, tapi bermanfaat adalah sebuah pilihan. dan aku ingin bermanfaat, setidaknya untuk 1 orang yang pernah tumbuh dalam tubuhku yang tak seberapa ini. bahkan bila bahagianya adalah deritaku. dan situasiku yang sedikit malfungsi di pusat kehidupanku ini menghambat keputusan yang tak lain juga adalah ketulusanku yang paling sungguh-sungguh.

Tuhan, tak perlu ‘kan Aku meneriakkan langit demi suaraku terdengar. Aku berpikir bahwa semua adegan memarahi-Mu yang tak perlu di film-film itu memang terlalu berlebihan. Jadi ini dalam hatiku saja, hanya menjadi bisikanku pada-Mu yang semoga akan Kau pertimbangkan baik-baik. Ini cerita dua per tiga malamku kepada-Mu. Meski ini bukanlah saat terbaik dalam hidupku untuk meminta pada-Mu, aku tahu Kau mendengarkan ocehan yang kutuliskan dan kukirimkan ke singgasana-Mu yang Maha Mendengar dan Maha Mengetahui agar Kau bisa memajang ini di hadapan-Mu dan tak pernah lupa akan pintaku.

Selamat pagi, Tuhan. Hari baru dengan kesempatan hidup sekali lagi hari ini. Terima kasih. I love you.

Advertisements
Cliche.

Cliche.

I must say this..

I am so very sorry. That the way things ended are not exactly like we both imagined. But I can’t be with you and imagining (while hoping) that you were someone else. Although your intentions are something that I really want, I just can’t picture myself with someone else but him. And that’s totally unfair for you. To have feelings for me, to developed comfort with a girl that can’t stop thinking about someone else when she’s with you. I totally understand if you ended up hating me. That’s fine and understandable. This one, the blame is on me.

The last few days had been fun. You were great. And as cliche as it sounds, it’s not you, it’s me. I still have so many boxes to packed before I leave the house.

I hope you understand.

Moving To The New House

Moving To The New House

Being constantly hopping from one guy to another from time to time, I think I need to stop and take sometime off the dating zone. The decision wasn’t made overnight, I actually think thoroughly about this. Because it will be a big step for me. It has never been easy for me being alone with myself. There’s this weirdly realistic fear that I keep pushing to the back door of my mind. For I love to have some times for myself, I actually hate the loneliness. I hate having no one to talk to.

Back in the uglier days, my family is totally uncountable for being a sharing partners, let alone a support group. But now things are getting brighter. I texted my Mother everyday, since now we live separately. Our relationship start to feel like old times and I like it. Things are great too with my sister and brother-in-law. The down part is just that because of this new job, I have to live in a different city with my son. And he started acting out because he feels left out by me. That actually the one thing that bugged me everyday. I constantly asking myself whether this is a good decision or not. But the future needs stability and this job does that and it keeps me sane and on track, too. Although it made me feel like I’m being Worst Mom of The Year. But there will always be sacrifices in every decision. I risked being the worst now if I could assured myself that my baby boy’s future is taken care of. In the end I should start relying on nobody but myself for the sake of both me and my son.

Anyway, back to the dating topic. I have this deep thought about myself from a very long time ago. But I think I was being too scared to face the real problem that I kept on making diversion and buried what was supposed to be handled years ago. According to this little research I did about myself, which actually I already knew this years ago, I have daddy issues. I keep on finding male figure in my life because as a child I didn’t have the attention and love I needed from my Father (Oh bless his soul in Heaven, Dear Lord). That was the easy part, to locate the first issue. But since there’s no highway to heaven, here comes the hard part. What should I do to fix my obviously (d’uh?) broken soul? Yup. The answer to that got me in a lot of trials and errors, until now.

I have tried so many ways, believe me, I have had plenty of ways you could never even imagined let alone hear. This topic might sounded a bit too much for other people, but I tracked down my life history and this motherfucken problem of freaking daddy issue is the smiling devil rooted in me. My whole life as I started to remember moments and feelings from my childhood, I always had this feeling of void that need something more than just a parade of different guys in my life. Either I fix it or I fill it. Technically speaking, I could always patch a void in my tire when its broken. What so different about this one, right? Just patch something up that childish, self centered, immature soul and start getting shit together as it supposed to be. Besides the fact that we actually talking about my soul, my unfulfilled childhood needs that causes me a lot of troubles in the future as a teenager and adult, my trust issues that has no boundaries whatsoever, my instinct that  I doubted all the time and always proves me to be nothing than so damn fucking right (I honestly think that my instinct has a vagina since it always have this needs to shoved “I told you!” right into my face, but don’t tell it I tell you about that). Oh right, my soul is no fucking tires.

Realizing the fact that I, apparently, surprisingly and very unlikely started to developed needs of stability in my life, I started making some options to actually do something that will change me into a better form of human being. And this decision popped out of my head just like that. It happened like that scene in the movie where there are three of you, the mind version of you and the heart version of you which obviously, are on the opposites side of each other, both trying to stating their version of pros and cons, cutting each other off sentences with screams and drama written all over the genre. The same old “I know better than you do”, “You always made the worst decision ever”, “Remember that time when you get to decide and you ended up in a deepest, ugliest part of your life, bitch?” kinda conversation. In this movie scene, thank God I finally get to be the reality version of me, the mature, the think-thoroughly-before-action kinda gal, tho.

So I have come to a very important and one of the biggest step and decision of my life. That the best thing to heal myself is to spend more time with my self. To get to know who and what kind really is the truest me. To listen more to that little voice of mine, the voice of conscious mind and purest heart of mine that has been forgotten way too long. To actually start to love myself instead of pretending to love the way I am and acting like I’m okay with it. To forgive the mistakes I’ve made to myself, the bad choices that got me in bad places, the things I’ve said and done to disgrace myself. To have peace and serenity with the past me, so I could fix myself in the present and ended up with a better me in the future.

In order to do that many homework, I don’t think I could keep up with a relationship or even flings. I have so many things in my plate right now, I need to clean it up all first before I could even think about relationship with a significant other. I just want to put everything where it supposed to be. Because life to me has been always a mess. This is like a massive cleaning and boxing before you moved out of your old house. You have to sort things out, which goes with you and which goes to the dumpster or Goodwill. Now I’m in the place where I have to moved out of my old, cozy yet unhealthy house to a house where broken and ugly things aren’t something you could have or afford. So it’s basically not an option. It’s just about time. And my clock is already ticking.

Because you can’t have the real thing with a real person when you yourself are superficial. And let’s just be real, those patches you’ve had so many in all these years, they aren’t really healing. They just covered the wound up, so whenever you feel like peeping on those wounds, the blood and flesh stay as fresh as if it were made yesterday and you could feel the pain all over again and you feel like having those wounds is the reasonable reason for being such a bitch in a crackhead butt.

Well, say bye-bye. Because we are so fixing this.

Kali Ini

Kali Ini

Kali ini aku tak meneteskan air mata barang setetes saja. Kali ini aku terlalu lelah untuk berkubang dalam kepedihan dan kesakitan. Kali ini aku terluka karena sikapmu. Bukan, bukan karena keputusanmu bahwa meninggalkanku adalah yang terbaik bagiku. Tahu apa kamu tentang itu. Kali ini sikapmu yang menyiratkan bahwa aku bukanlah siapa-siapa dan tak berhak bersuara apa-apa yang melukaiku. Kali ini kau melukai harga diriku. Aku, yang telah mengorbankan begitu banyak hal hingga sampai di titik ini. Ratusan siang dan malam, ribuan jam, terlalu banyak mimpi, angan dan harapan. Semua itu, berakhir sia-sia. Aku curahkan segala sisa yang ku miliki untuk hubungan yang berujung pilu. Tenang, aku tak menyesal. Bertemu denganmu, mengenalmu dan menjadi bagian dari hari-harimu tak seharusnya disebut sebagai penyesalan. Kamu adalah bahagiaku.

Aku menaruh harapanku padamu. Bukan, bukan untuk masa depan kita. Tapi untuk masa depanmu sendiri. Aku tahu diri. Aku memang bukanlah orang yang pada akhirnya akan menemanimu hingga tua. Aku sudah tahu itu dari awal. Tapi aku tak pernah mampu menahan diri dari rasa nyaman yang kamu berikan. Ada yang tak bisa ku hindari, dan itu kamu. Aku menaruh harapanku padamu. Kelak, kamu akan mewujudkan segala mimpi dan keinginanmu. Meski itu tanpaku disisimu. It has always been easier for you than it was for me anyway.

Nanti, kalau bukan sekarang, kamu akan mengerti. Hal yang membuatmu begitu marah, begitu terluka, begitu tersakiti.. Itu adalah bentuk kasih sayang dan kepedulianku padamu. Betapa aku ingin kamu menjadi seseorang yang kamu mau. Betapa yang kupikirkan hanyalah dirimu dan tidak sedikitpun aku. Tapi aku tak perlu menjelaskan apa-apa padamu saat ini. Tak perlu juga aku mengelak dari segala tuduhanmu padaku. Karena apapun yang aku katakan, hanya akan berseberangan arah dari pemikiran dan persepsimu. Jadi, aku tak apa-apa. Aku tak apa-apa dengan kepergianmu. I’ll get used to it. Selama itu mampu membuka matamu lebar-lebar bahwa dunia tak selebar daun kelor. Bahwa ada banyak hal di luar lingkaranmu yang belum kamu lihat dan rasa. Selama keputusanmu meninggalkanku hanya untuk menyadarkanmu untuk bangun dari tidur panjangmu, aku tak apa-apa.

Kelak, kamu akan menemukan seseorang yang akan menemanimu hingga tua. Berbahagialah, seperti yang selama ini telah kamu lakukan.

You will always have a special place in my heart, Mickey-ku Sayang…

Dear, Little Sister

Dear, Little Sister

My sister from another mother is getting married in two days. I could not be happier when I heard that she is finally tying the knot! I can see her so  much into this guy and I am so happy that he got to be the one that actually turned her to be a better person. Now, let me tell you a story about her, my forever best friend, my little sister that apparently, not so little anymore, Desty Anggun Pratiwi.

1522223_10202050286956793_2074977765_n

The first time I met her was when we were both tenth grader. She used to sit right behind me. She was the girl  I called unique, if not weirdo, lol.  Back then, she was all hip hop with Eminem all over her playlist (she idolizes him so much, I swear it terrified me sometimes), she wore a backpack with a strap that was way too long, over sized hip hop shoes, over sized uniforms. Okay, let’s just put over sized in everything she wore because that is the truth and nothing but the truth. Despite the fact that according to taste in music (and fashion, duh) we had nothing in common, I always feel this comfortable feeling around her. I could be myself (I can be very dominant and needy when it comes to friendship) and she has always been so understanding, a very good listener from the very beginning. Entering the second semester of tenth  grade, we ended up being a chair mate. And she had never leave my  side ever since. We spent high school with so many ups and downs. I had my own drama, she had hers. I’ve been calling her Ade as long as I remembered. Although technically, she is 6 months older but her childish attitude makes me feel like she is my younger sister.

11221792_10205846039649311_9127658908295817274_oAs I mentioned earlier, we both had our own dramas. But she… She just stood by me through my most vulnerable moments, through my hard times, thick and thins.  She was the first one to arrived when I had my son. She was the one that helped me through the most unimaginable moments, she was there no matter what through my not-so-proud moments. She was and still the one who knows what to do best when I cry. Or when I just needed someone to talk about my sadness. Or even when I don’t know what to do with my life, she’s always on stand by mode.

My sister, my dearly Ade is a kind-hearted, sincere, lovable, smart, intuitive, curious, fun and I am so proud of her that she made it so far until now. She deserves to be happy. She deserves someone that could make her heart skips a beat, her blood flows faster and someone that could make her the happiest girl on earth. And if that someone is Fikar, the one she’s marrying this Saturday, then I give him my blessings and prayer to take you as his wife.

Dear Adeku sayang, monyet gue yang paling ngeselin dan ngangenin. Gue ga nyangka kalo  lo bakal ninggalin gue dan nikah duluan hahaha. I always thought I’d be the one that leaves you single :p

Tapi gue sangat, sangat bahagia dan sangat, sangat bangga karena lo akhirnya menemukan yang lo cari dan yakini. Gue berharap lo akan menjadi wanita yang jauh lebih baik lagi dari sekarang dan Fikar bisa bawa lo menuju surga. Gue yakin, lo akan menjadi istri yang baik dan nantinya akan menjadi ibu yang baik pula untuk anak-anak lo.

Remember that I will always be here, whenever you feel like you need someone to talk to. I love you every now and then, my not so little sister anymore. Kisses and hugs.

13962900_10208302522819855_6467082074899422404_o

Is It A Love Story?

Is It A Love Story?

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. About something that I thought would never occurred my mind. This is just something I picked up not long ago, triggered by something so bizarre yet somehow, so truthful.

 

A kind reminder: this is not based on my very own story.

 

Imagine this. Two opposite sex of mankind met so accidentally and unexpectedly, they didn’t realize that they both already drawn into each other.

At first it was fun, friendly and that’s all. It started with a chat from him but she didn’t really pay attention. For Pete’s sake, she didn’t even remember his real name at first. From one chat to another, they went hangout together for the first time. Strictly casual, non-dating hangout kinda type. Still, the impression was pretty much so-so for her, and he didn’t seem like he’s trying to get into another step. As time goes by, he then again, chatted her up. Started the conversation with something that they both like, the chat went on and off. This time he got her interest although the timing’s seemed to be a bitch.

Then one afternoon, it all started. She got bored. She texted some of her friends to go hang out. He was on her radar that day. She needed a friend and somehow he was able to deliver her needs well. They hung out. Apparently, that one afternoon led to another. They started to text and meet on daily basis. Guess what happened next?

She blurted out the statement. The l-o-v-e statement. She was falling for him. And as expected, the love story of these two.. began. Wait. I rephrase. The so called love story of Godzilla and T-Rex.. began.

You did not read me wrong. The two love birds are more likely to be called Godzilla and T-Rex. Because they had been on fights more than world wars all combined together since day one. Started from a very simple thing to principal matters. It was like they were having they very own World War III. The relationship has been on and off since day one. The honeymoon phase was a myth for both of them, since it only lasted a week, tops. All through the year, the time they were together was nothing compared to when they were apart.

However, they seemed to have a magnetic aura towards each other. Once, they were apart for over 4 months. Just when she started to accept the fact that maybe the two of them were better off to be alone, he showed up. Asking for forgiveness, told her how much he missed her, said that he’s been watching her from distance despite everything that happened between them. She wasn’t sure about the decision she’s about to made, but she couldn’t resist him. He is her weakness. She love(d) him.

So you could guess what happened between them when she made mistake, right? A break-up that led only to the two of them getting back together. Again. For the love of God, they were just so much into each other they couldn’t resist the broken-heart of being apart.

 

But that, wasn’t the story I wanted to write down today. Today, it’s her time of truth.

 

She has doubts. She is unsurprisingly unsure. She doesn’t know what’s right or what’s wrong. She clearly is.. confused.

We had our ups and downs. We are so much alike somehow it terrifying. He is the best that I ever had so far. His patience, his caring, his tender love, his hug, his kiss, his smell, his silly-not-so-funny-jokes that always got me laughing. The best part is, I could be myself when I’m with him. My ugliest part, my best part. He practically tear down lay by lay of me because he loves me and he want to treat me the way I wanted to. Nonetheless, he support my every step.

But on the other hand, all we do is fighting and fighting and fighting. I distrust him, he distrust me. Some moments, I just couldn’t bear with all his craziness. Some times, I am just so sick of him.

And right now, I just don’t know if there’s any chance of us having a future together. I just don’t know if we should be together. But I don’t want to lose him. Not anymore. I couldn’t imagine myself waking up one morning without him. It would break me part to part. And I can not remember the good feeling of being single, since I have been in love for so long now.

Oh, dear.. Is it love you’re feeling? Or you’re just too scared to be lonely?

Maniac.

Maniac.

I am drowning

Barely breathing

Life been harder

But this..

This kills every bit left of me

And I got no one to blame

What’s it for anyway?

It’s all because of me

Even myself already given me signals

And I ignore it cold-heartedly

And now am alone

And not whole-heartedly
He said everything has taken away from him

I want to feel sorry for him

I feel sorry for him

But now am too busy agonizing over me

Cause that’s what I do best
In the end

I will be remembered as the girl whose got too much on her plate, always forgot to be thankful, ego all over herself and a maniac who lives for her interest only.

And I don’t mind. Not anymore..