Maniac.

Maniac.

I am drowning

Barely breathing

Life been harder

But this..

This kills every bit left of me

And I got no one to blame

What’s it for anyway?

It’s all because of me

Even myself already given me signals

And I ignore it cold-heartedly

And now am alone

And not whole-heartedly
He said everything has taken away from him

I want to feel sorry for him

I feel sorry for him

But now am too busy agonizing over me

Cause that’s what I do best
In the end

I will be remembered as the girl whose got too much on her plate, always forgot to be thankful, ego all over herself and a maniac who lives for her interest only.

And I don’t mind. Not anymore..

sinking boat

sinking boat

on the day that you walked away

i could hear your heart breaking

i could feel your tears streaming down

i can not blame you

for not choosing to stay

and who am i to stop you?

who am i to stand on your way?

 

i am too afraid

full of shame

i know there’s nothing i can do no more

you made your bed for both of us

and so be it

 

i will never find any man like you

willing to see beneath my flaws and mistakes

and loving me as it is

 

with you leaving

you wiped it clean on me

the love story we had

feels like made for drama

with you leaving

you left me empty

since you took everything

and left me with nothing

 

i am the sinking boat on the ocean

and your my lighthouse

whose just turn off the light

i can not find my way home anymore

it’s all darkness

and i am slowly drowning

 

see, you’re my only map

to the hunt of happiness

how could i go when i am blinded?

will you give me just one more chance

cause there’s more in me

only for you

tia(ku)da

tia(ku)da

aku pernah meminta diam-diam pada-Nya.

kalau aku jatuh, jatuhkanlah sejatuh-jatuhnya. pada siapapun ia yang Kau pilihkan.

tapi aku terus bertanya, apakah kamu jatuhku yang Dia pilihkan?

apakah kamu?

 

karena aku dan kamu…

bagai dua kubu magnet yang terus menerus bersisian tapi terus menerus saling tarik.

dan aku membenci keadaan karena aku tak bisa membencimu.

aku dan kamu.. kita..

berdampingan, bagai dua sisi koin yang hidup tak bisa lepas dari satu sama lain,

pun saling menyakiti.

dan aku benci ketidakberdayaanku merubah situasi.

aku seperti melemah.

aku kehilangan peganganku.

denganmu, aku seperti punya arah dan tuju. sesaat.

sebelum kamu leburkan aku kembali dalam rasa dan asa yang tak ada habisnya.

kamu tanpa sadar menjadi obor di jalanan yang ku lalui

menuju kegelapan yang lebih pekat lagi.

 

aku bukan kehilangan kamu, lagi.

aku kehilangan aku.

Percakapan.

Percakapan.

Saya duduk di tempat istirahat petugas kebersihan gedung tempat saya bekerja. Menatap kosong ke arah gedung sebelah. Cuma jendela dan cat abu-abu. Setidaknya saya bisa menatap kosong tanpa takut ada gangguan. Setidaknya saya bisa menangis diam-diam tanpa ada seorang pun melihat. Tak lama, datanglah si petugas kebersihan. Melepas lelah, dia datang dengan segelas kopi dan seungkus rokok kretek. Tampak kaget melihat saya yang biasanya ceria dan ramai, duduk termenung sambil menyeka air mata. Dia hanya duduk diam dalam keheningan. Menghisap kreteknya dalam-dalam, memandangi cat abu-abu dan jendela yang sama bisunya seperti saya. Canggung, dia menawarkan saya minum.

“Mbak, mau minum?”, sambil menyodorkan segelas air putih. Raut wajahnya tampak iba dan simpatik.

“Nggak, pak. Makasih..” saya menolak sopan sambil tersenyum. Masam.

Kami kembali diam dalam keheningan yang kental dan terasa canggung.

“Dulu, waktu saya kecil Bapak saya pernah nyeletuk kalau perempuan punya air mata suci. Saya nggak ngerti awalnya.”, ucapan si Bapak Petugas Kebersihan memecah keheningan.

“Tapi semakin saya besar semakin saya ngerti. Kenapa Bapak saya ngomong begitu. Selama saya hidup, nggak pernah sekalipun Ibu saya meneteskan air mata karena Bapak saya. Bapak saya emang bukan lelaki sempurna, tapi dia ngerti cara mencintai dan cara memperlakukan Ibu saya. Sekalipun Ibu saya salah, beliau nggak pernah membiarkan Ibu saya nangis. Karena buat beliau, air mata Ibu saya sama seperti air mata Ibu-nya. Suci. Bagi Bapak saya, haram kalau sampai istrinya menangis karena sedih.”, dia melanjutkan ceritanya. Tanpa bertanya kenapa. Tanpa bertanya ada apa.

Saya terenyuh dan kembali pecah oleh air mata. Air mata yang tadinya cuma menggenang di pelupuk mata, menetes satu-satu.

“Saya nggak tau kenapa Mbak nangis. Tapi saya tau Mbak sedih dan seperti kehilangan. Sering manusia sibuk berkutat sama kesedihannya. Nyari jawaban kemana-mana buat ngilangin sedihnya. Cari pelampiasan, kadang bukan pelampiasan yang baik. Keliling kesana kemari nyari yang nggak bisa dia temuin. Saya juga suka gitu. Saya suka lupa kalau jawaban yang saya cari jaraknya cuma antara kepala dan sajadah.”

Bapak Petugas Kebersihan membuka laci coffee table dan memberikan tissue. Senyumnya tampak tulus.

“Mungkin, yang Mbak cari selama ini ada di depan mata Mbak. Tapi Mbak nggak sadar karena terlalu sibuk sama hal lain.”

“Saya sholat jumat dulu ya, Mbak..”, Bapak Petugas Kebersihan pamit dan meninggalkan saya dengan menohok hati kecil saya.

The Phobias

The Phobias

 

and I wonder. maybe the reason I keep failing on every single relationship I had (despite the fact I always chose the so-not-right-guys) is that I’m too afraid to open myself up and be in love.
  
and I might be not good enough for guys whose been so good to me. I might be not the one they are looking for. my flaws broke me.

  
and they will soon ignore me. forget me. because in their eyes, I’m replaceable. because they will find another me, in a better shape and condition. then..

  
I will ended up got hurt. because once I fall, I fall deep. once I love, I love hard. I will be dedicating myself, my time, my strength, my life to that one person who’s successfully stole my heart. once I tear apart, I’m afraid I will never get back on my feet again.

this is my devil’s circle. this is my insecurities that keeps me staying off sanity. this is my weakness. this is who I am now. and I want to get better.

A Letter To Her

A Letter To Her

The sad and ironic truth is when you are in a condition where you have to make peace with yourself. Because as years goes by, you have declared war with your brain, your mind, your heart, your soul and your situation. You have been struggling over the same thing, over and over again. Everyday you love yourself a little less and hate yourself a bit more.

If only peace of mind is actually as easy as written in so many pictured quotes, then maybe you won’t ended up as a wreck like you are now. You don’t even know what you want anymore. You live like a living dead. You look like you function well, but what they don’t realized is that you are here now because your brain and heart conspired to torture you by doing what they do best; function well.

Please stop. Please be at peace in your mind and heart. Please love yourself. Please stop hurting yourself, because you’re hurting too many people when you do that. Please do what you have to do and stop being a selfish bitch. You are better than this.

100 Origami

100 Origami

I am blessed with so many kind-hearted people in my life. One of them, happens to surprised me today.

•••

I was watching tv with my son, just another lazy day when someone knocked on the door. It was the mailman. He said the package belongs to me. I was confused. I wasn’t expecting anything delivered this week. The sender of the package is Benedict Cumberbatch, the actor who casts as Sherlock Holmes. That one inside jokes about Cumberbatch with someone hit me right in the heart.

It was a box. A big box. A big, light-weighted box wrapped in a gift paper and covered by plastic. I cut those wrappers and found myself smiling because of the contain of the box.

100 origami of colorful birds. Handcrafted and there’s a handwritten in each bird. A simple message each. Filled with honesty, effort, struggle, willingness, hope and.. love. Those aren’t just bird origami. Those are attempt. Those are prayers. Those are a story of how much a guy willing to prove the girl that he loves her.

•••

  • And for once, after a very long time, she finally felt like she is worth every extra miles, she is worth the waiting and that she is loved. And for once, she is being respected rather than being used.

This is my kind of thank you to you, dear Aa. I wasn’t capable to finish this writing after I received the package. I didn’t even know how to start a conversation with you over chat. But, I am thanking you now. Thank you. This is sweetness. The kind of sweetness overload.

PS : This was written the day I got the package. I’m sorry it took me so long to finish it.