I thought that for so many years of trials and errors, I would know what to do. That I wouldn’t break nor be temper. But learning is an endless journey and it needs limitless amount of patience. And at times, you just feel.. worn out, I guess. You know the time when you think you know someone? You peeled their layer off one by one, but always ended up with new layer as if there’s no end to it? You find something new every single time, learn new stuff in every peeled layers. And then you realize that one person you thought you knew about so well, are a stranger.
It’s quite amusing, interesting and ironically, too close to be sad and annoying all in the same time. That one person you know from back to back are nothing but a whole different person on each layer. Sometimes it is tiring. Sometimes I feel fed up. Like I want to get out and escape. As if it’s what I do best.. Running. Breaking my heart and another each step I take going further and further. Be the bad person. Be the girl their friends talked about. Be the one that always got it wrong while others doing so damn well.
But a while ago, I decided to do something different. I want to change. In everything. I want more. I don’t want to be in and out relationship anymore. I don’t want to start things all over again. I want to start a new life. I want something new. Things could’ve been better than this. Things should be better than this. That I had just a bit more than enough of endless, countless, meaningless things in life that I finally realized that I want something more than just… shit.
And so the big decision has been made. It is you. My kind of change is you. You are a very big part of my new life. You are not just a chapter in a book of mine. You are my whole new book. The one guy that I decided to be with for the rest of my life. That I made the promise to myself to be better and to have boundaries and to be at my best. For you, and for me as well.
But now… I found myself breaking apart. I am all torn up. My attempt of being content has reached it limits or so I thought. I feel like all those hours, days even years to get to know you better made you even more a stranger. And these days, I feel like it is so hard to talk to you. And we’re not even started! I am not clueless nor hopeless… I am just tired, sad, had so much in my mind and got no one to talk to. And what should I do when you can’t even talk to your very significant other?